Time to get shreddy. Have at it, Puj.
Tao Jones’ Endless Weekend
Man, you know what really shreds my sheets? All the Boogiemen I have sex with? Naw, dawg: the key to your endless weekend: the manipulation of space-time. I picked up some sweet tips from a sexclusive interview with millionaire bachelor Tao Jones, this guy’s like Lao Tzu on XBOX live forever.
He was picking off some headshots, raging across Call of Duality IV, killing heathens and dropping some heady metal thunders at me. He was saying, “ I wrote the principal DOWist text but all it is is watching Endless Summer and Back to the Future at the same time, times forever, on repeat.”
“Do you want to party like my XBOX?”
“Yes, I like to party too good.”
“If you had the wishes, would you make this weekend last forever, as long as you wanted?”
“Yes, I would do that for you, Dr. Jones.”
“Okay, I like your attitudes. Well, alls you gots to do is switch your feeler and your thinker.”
“How you do that, Dr. Jones?”
Then it got like Baloo singing “Bear Necessities,” except about manipulating space-time to party forever. Essentially, Dr. Jones argues that your rational mind and your emotional awareness warrant a degree of discrimination between one another, as opposed to a cavemanesque dichotomy. He said that time moves much faster when you use your thinker-projector-number-cruncher. He even said that projecting meaning and confusing it with rationalizing speeds up time because it blasts you through a gauntlet of answers? Whatever that means!
He said it usually hurts to bust through the wall, and you can use your emotional awareness for so much more than pain, or pleasure soaked in the absinthe of pain. He said, he sits still, and feels what he’s feeling with his awareness anywhere he wants, no matter who’s watching, even Gawd’s Toilet Angels. THEN he uses his number-cruncher. He says time moves at the same speed anyway probably, but it feels like you have more time this way: “I like to ramble more than scramble.”
Plus, you figure out how you feel before you think, instead of projector-thinking and having to deal with it via what you feel, like it’s a dice game in Tin Man Alley. Apparently, we aren’t tin men, robots, or even cyborgs, and we have hearts to tend too, even though we’re told we’d rather be the Scarecrow from Oz or Batman.
He kept saying, “It’s not what it means, it’s why it happened.” Whatever that means?
So, he says he slows his weekends down to forever just by putting his feeler before his thinker. Then he thinks what he felt, and acts on it instead of just Reactive Mind Math, so he’s always chasing Psychic Summer like in Endless Summer and Doc Browning it at the same time, and all he’s got to do is sit around and be quiet before 5pm on Friday. I tried it out, and it works, I don’t know what day you are on, but its Last Saturday AD here! It’s like really getting to decide where you are all the time.
See you guys next week whenever that is. Shortround is blasting his Endless Mix of “Spill the Wine” 100 times and DVD menu jams for passing out, AND we peeled Mowgli off a vinyl couch with our minds. Now we’re fucking with the space in between each other cuz we can do whatever we want with it.
Tao of Boo,