Time for another SHREDITORIAL!! This one is about high fructose corn syrup. We’re not totally convinced it’s all that bad for you. At least, we like to tell ourselves that because we are downing sodas on the reg.

Shreditorial #3


Dare Gawd,

You know what is totally awesome? High fructose corn syrup. Why is that awesome? Because you can make Family Value Fruit Snacks with it. You know, those gray+any fruit flavor color circles on wax paper that all the marginalized lower middle class kids had in elementary school. The coolest thing about high fructose corn syrup is that it is a sugar replacement that is actually an enzyme and no one really knows what it does to the human body, but Americans use it in everything! It could make us obese, or maybe do something really crazy that we find out about when we’re all 50 and weird Frankensteins. Who knows, the future is completely unregulated.

It’s probably metaphysically cheaper than sugar because we can make it in a lab without helping feed 20th century “communists”. If there is one thing Americans need more than high fructose corn syrup it is complete cognitive consistency, because history is biography and no one likes a flip-flopper or a “mind-changer.” America is the only country in the galaxy where we have overweight fat people and underweight rich people. It’s like when a fat king used to be sexy but the opposite. Even all the Caesars drank from a lead goblet, and now that we are all equal we should all be taking the same poisons, especially if the reflect your caste of consumption. So, now we have the freedom to construct unattainable image standards that are ruthlessly chased by the bourgeoisie that help pay to keep our society from eating itself alive. It’s like that snake that eats itself but it never has to die unless it is weak.

Sometimes I think that being healthy and green will be the next bougie fad. Eventually, that will permeate as a value to the dominant class and our understanding of ourselves will be reactive against or in agreement to the dominant moral hierarchy. Like contemporary liberals will actually become crazy conservatives in the future who hate fat people instead of gays. Like when young progressive Republicans thought they could stop at racism being bad and then save the leftovers to divide and conquer America. Like every time you make a solution it creates a problem when people take it too seriously. Really, no one knows what high fructose corn syrup does to the body. So maybe it is a business ethics thing: like, no one gets funded to do conclusive research on the effects of high fructose corn syrup because it probably does mess with the human body but it pays someone. I think tricking poor people to be fat is even laissez faire than calling the homeless and mentally ill lazy!

Also, I’m sure it acts as a sort of a deterrent for achievement or feeling good about yourself because maybe it changes the way your body processes sugar so you feel good for a while then you crash like drugs. I don’t know, but I love this crazy American emotional roller coaster called consumption. It is like an extension of democracy without all the reading or news. It is good to know that you can materially prove who you are via representing your lifestyle through your symbolically constructed association with images and goods. That is freedom: Freedom to construct any assemblage of sticky images out of a cultural $5 DVD bin at the Walmart of the world, and don’t forget about that popsicle in your pocket! Thanks for shredding your way into my disposable lifestyle Mrs. High Fructose Corn Syrup, you’re making me and Nathan do the icky shuffle.


Daniel Pujol

Tune in next week for more!

3 comments Comment

3 responses to “”

  1. Debbie Downer says:

    While this is a totally bitchin article it’s important to note that a lot of poor people in this country aren’t getting fat, they’re actually starving to death. I work with first graders in a new england suburb. Four of my students only get fed at school. They don’t even get family value fuit snacks on the weekends,

  2. Pujol says:

    Dear Debbie Downer,

    I totally agree.


    Thank you.

    For really reading!

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