So it’s definitely been a hot minute since our last SHREDITORIAL, but this one makes up for it because it’s so sick! It’s about control [mind control, remote control…. you name it] Get shreddy.

Shreditorial 12
Complete Control

Man, you know what is the coolest thing ever: CONTROL? Yep, it totally shreds. Anyone can do it to any object, whether that object is material, immaterial, or even another person. I went on Safari with the Peter Panzers’ and partied with the Doo Doo Crue on their E-Yacht and came back with some Heady Nugs of Nowledge.

One key to control is the manhandle. You need the manhandle to be able steer your directions and ford your rivers and chevy your hearts. It’s like if a horse had bicycle mandlebars on its head. It’s like a fat man with a high-pony-tail in a sexy suit, but his wife is still MILFin.

The second keys to the Jivory Tower is the good guys versus the bad guys. Which side are you on? Haven’t you ever seen a movie, silly? The trick is to refuse to concede to ever expanding areas of interpersonal awareness, and opt out for good guys and bad guys. It’s easy because as we get more mature, we run out of time to keep it real with people as sentient beings, because we got to pay them bills ya’ll. Why you think the homeless are homeless? They just acting in my play from my friends Facebooks.

The third key to control is the Blind Man’s Bluff. Make a sexy ultimatum, put your foot in your mouth, it’s all the same in the end. All actions are symbolic anyways, especially with the Internet and our krangs are totally conditioned to be epic as fuck. You’re able to use symbolic pressure alluding to your personal life in semi-public to get what you want, even if it’s just some free downloads. It’s literally like your writing your own book about yourself, you can even aesthetically aggrandize yourself to Charlie Brownesque notoriety for the entire Peanut Gallery, then you got leverage b/c you’re a boner-fied Irreplaceable.

The final key is the power of associative meaning. We all got mad image and commodity radar, and we can deduce seriously sexy aesthetic meaning since we went to school through the free information market economy. Collect some cool knick-knacks and gadgets, place them in the right order and $2+$2=you. You could be the chosen one, the prodigal son, or just another Highlander.

You can use all these things to control all your objects, whether they are things, places, people, or pets. The only problem is when you have to fight another Highlander and steal their brain-force or absorb their identity because it threatened the consistency of yours, but if we all quit doing that, we wouldn’t need control. Oh well.

There can be only one,
Pujol

Ramirez: The Kurgan. He is the strongest of all the immortals. He’s the *perfect* warrior. If he wins the Prize, mortal man would suffer an eternity of darkness.
Connor MacLeod: How do you fight such a savage?
Ramirez: With heart, faith and steel. In the end there can be only one.