It looks like this is finally the episode that got Seth. I mean, we think he’s a full-fledged Lostie now. There’s some real good insight in this one all the way to the very end…. Just might make you question what you thought you knew about LOST…

LOST …. seriously

I guess all you naysayers can suck my dicks! My Lost posts got the attention of some NBC higher ups and they sent me a one day advance screening of Lost Season 6, Episode 6. I’m just going to skip watching episode 5 cause I dodn’t want to see it anyway and instead give you my synopsis of Episode 6: Saeed’s Darkness.

Previously on Lost: a guy got stuck in a bear trap, someone dealt with the death of a family member, an old guy told a slightly less old guy a secret, and everything was about accepting fate or choosing your own destiny. Great.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to the sweet sweet deserted island action. So the episode starts with someone’s mother coming down the stairs humming a Carpenters song. This must be a waaay flashback to reality cause the decor is very 1970s. Weird. She puts on some kind of easy listening record and starts to relax, then BAM! The opening guitar licks to “Stole Your Love.” [Wait, Seth, that’s totally “Love Gun” not “Stole Your Love” Come on!] She spills her wine in a panic and freaks out trying to turn off “the devil’s music”. DUDE, this episode is awesome! Then some teenagers in some kind of pot palace are playing a shitty, yet somehow better version of “Rock n Roll All Nite” Apparently they’re all excited to go see a concert or something, but the one kid’s mom screeches into the driveway and give him some speech about the devil’s body count being up. Man, I been there- he’s definitely grounded.

Next morning this kid, Jam, has accidentally taken the concert tickets home. Watch out dude, your mom’s definitely gonna find those things and kill you if you’re not careful. Eww, she told him his jeans were so tight she could see his penis. That sucks, I remember the only time my mom ever said “penis” to me. Totally scarring. Off to school- Jam is dressed like a dork haha… and the heroes of our story are at ends with a bunch of slutty Stellas. Man, disco suxxx. Man, just like I though, Jam fucked up and left the tickets at home… his mom’s definitely gonna find em. Oh, man. There’s like a pretty hot girl named Beth that obvs has a crush on Jam, but he’s too shy to pick up on it. Hey, Peter Chris’ wife is named Beth and he wrote that shitty song about her, what a coincidence. Beth almost tells Jam her feelings but then BAM! His mom starts screaming over the school P/A about how she found the tickets! DAMN! I knew it. Shit. Man, then she burns em while Jam’s band mates Lex, Hawk, and Trip look on horrified.

Then the school police officer almost busts the gang of three, but they split up and all meet meet up in the lay-dee’s roo-oom! Then they spy on Sherry Van Hoften taking a shit, but they break the toilet and knock the stall down and she sees them and screams. Oh my god this is awesome. That’s not what she screams, that’s what I scream. Meanwhile Jam’s mom is taking him to boarding school in some scary Catholic fortress. Back in school the stoners hatch a plan to win some contest tickets off the radio, with backstage passes! And they win!

Man this is the greatest episode ever.

So they’re all like “We gotta steal your mom’s car, Lex. Then we’re gonna go break Jam out of boarding school. Also, we’re gonna cut school, but oh shit that Elvis lookin’ school cop is chasing us.” They throw some obstacles in his path and outrun him, though. So Jam is like stuck at this school with this priest telling him some parable and telling him there’s no way out, but the rest of the band isn’t afraid to put fucking psychedelic mushrooms on a pizza for the asshole. Yeah! So once he’s lit it’s pretty easy to just walk in and tell him they’re taking Jam out and he’s like “Whatever! The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fuckin’ monkeys!” BAM! Then we’re clear on the road to Detroit. Shout it shout it shout it out louuuuud!

Everything looks fine till some fuckin greasy disco ball thunderbird full of Guidos and Stellas can’t take a FUCKING JOKE!!!! So they run our heroes off the road and beat up Hawk, but he’s a badass and not afraid to fight dirty, which no one should be, I mean come on. So when one of the Guidos destroys their Kiss tape, Hawk knees the shit out of his balls, then its on. Next thing you know they’ve tied the dudes up on the side of the road, put make up on em, and destroyed their car. Talk about revenge. One of the girls walked away way earlier, though when the dudes were being total dicks. She just so happens to be Natasha Leyonne who is the hotttest, toughest girl in the world. Jesus. So they give her a ride. After some arguing Natasha Leyonne kinda comes around. They smoke some dope, everybody has a good time and then we arrive in Detroit at dusk to the tune of “Surrender” live, which is probably the best song to drive at dusk to EVER!

Anyway, they go to get their tickets only to find out that pot addled Trip forgot to give the radio station his name and stuff. Shit. Then the car is stolen with Christine asleep inside. Man… tough break. So everybody’s real pissed and they decide to split up and try to find their own way into the show. That sucks…

Almost immediately Jam and his mom run into each other and the shit really hits the fan. She once again leaves him in the care of some priest that wants to preach to him about hellfire and damnation and whatever. Meanwhile Hawk lets a scuzzy scalper talk him into entering an amateur stripper contest to win the money for a ticket. But, c’mon they’re playing disco in there! At least there’s some hot cougar lady buying him drinks from across the bar.

Man it sucks Natasha Leyonne has Hepatitis C.

So, Trip tries to beat up a kid in a convenience store for his ticket, but the kid turns out to be kind of a dick with a huge older brother that’s gonna kick Trip’s ass unless he can come up with $200. Jeez, extort much 10 year old? Lex tries the most direct route- just walking in the back door, and it seems to more or less work. Some dudes chase him, but he’s crafty. Back to Hawk, by the time he’s ready to shake it up on the stage he’s pretty wasted from all the bourbons on the rockses and he throws up a whole pitcher’s worth right in fron of all the horny old ladies. Gross. No problem, though, he still wins them over with his teenage dance moves. Plus he strips to “Strutter.” I mean, DUH!

We meet up with Jam in a confessional booth where he is not amusing the priest with his story about losing the tickets. Turns out that girl, Beth, from before, snuck in there too, though. They make out. Sweet. Hawk loses the contest, but that cougar solicits him for a little joyride in the car. yeah. Trip has decided to rob the convenience store, but some other dude beats him to it so he instead decides to thwart the robbery. So he knocks the guy out with a Stretch Armstrong doll and the girl behind the counter shoves her tongue down his throat as a thank you. Jam totally banged Beth, then managed to sneak out of the church. Lex got caught and thrown out, but found the car at a chop shop, along with Natasha Leyonne, who’s all tied up and in a pretty compromising situation. Fortunately Lex has befriended some junkyard dogs who scare off the chop shop guys. Hawk banged the old lady and she pays him despite his protests… but when he finds the scalper dude has sold his last ticket. Jam stands up to his bitchey mother and tells her he had sex in a church, which is what teenagers should do. She’s so stunned that she just kind of lets him go.

The band meets back up, all feeling defeated for some reason. They still don’t have any tickets. As a last ditch effort they decide to beat the crap out of each other and claim they got robbed, which they did- I mean this movie didn’t even get NOMINATED for an Oscar.

I mean, this episode of Lost probably won’t get nominated for an Emmy…

Of course this doesn’t work, but then Trip sees the little shit that beat him up and took the money he got for stopping the robbery. The kid had taken his wallet which had his Kiss Army picture ID in it so they door guy decides to buy the story, kick the little brat and his brother and their two friends out and lets the band in. YEAH! KISS plays some sweet tunes, Jam catches Peter Chris’s drum solo and everything is wrapped up in a neat little package.

Man, I’m spent. What a sweet show. I’ve definitely changed my tune about LOST.

Can’t wait for the next one.

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