Well, it’s time for Round 2 of Seth Murray’s new weekly LOST guide. Let’s preface this week’s post by saying: Suck it, everyone else. Seth rules. And just to recap: Seth’s never watched LOST before. I mean, he watched last week’s episode and this week’s and he’ll watch tonight’s, but he’s never seen anything before that….

LOST…. seriosuly
“What Kate Does”

OK, so I think this episode is named after that Libertines song, “What Katie Did.” Maybe this one will be about heroin? Anyway, this week’s show starts with “previously on lost…” honestly, I don’t remember any of this stuff. I mean a bloody guy carrying some unconscious lady seems par for the course, but when did that happen again? Now on to some stuff we recognize- turns out that guy that they drowned in the holy grail water actually did live. It also turns out, and this is news to me, that he’s an Iraqi torturer who shoots kids. So why the hell did they save him?

SPOILER ALERT:

Now, I’ve never watched lost but I don’t live in a cave, and I’ve definitely heard the theory that the cast died in a plane crash and is now in purgatory waiting to be sorted into heaven and hell… but c’mon hell isn’t real.

I’ve surmised that Kate’s fleeing from the cops in the airport story takes place in NYC because when the cab she’s hijacked honks at a guy the guy goes “Heeey, I’m walkin’ here!” and does that backward hand up angry wave thing that people in New York supposedly do. I guess that’s just a side note. Moving on, Kate steals some girl’s purse, which I feel is kind of small time for her, but hey, I don’t know the lady. Then we’re back to the island. Where tall, dark, and handsome thinks he’s tough enough to order the militant types with guns and a guy who’s really into Tonight Show era John Lennon around even after they had quite recently (possibly only an hour in non-temporal-flex-time) threatened to kill him for no real reason. I mean, I’d probly crap my pants, but I guess I’m not a real man. Some scuffling ensues in which no one gets seriously wounded, someone fires a warning shot and Bad Attitude Blond Guy makes a big scene about how he’s leaving instead of just sneaking out. Maybe they should change the name of this show to “The Opposite of What Seth Would Do in Any Given Situation.” Well… I’m 7 minutes in…

Maybe I’m LOST on this fact, but shouldn’t people in a survival situation be focused on getting food together and mending shelters and stuff?

OH MY GOD IS THAT NICK NOLTE AT THE CHOP SHOP!?! No.. it isn’t, but he does seem to share Mr. Nolte’s contempt for the law and willingness to harbor criminals. He takes Kate’s handcuffs off and doesn’t even spy on her changing. Then some kinky stuff happens with the Child Killer back on the island. I think he is being punished for his sins. Katie goes back for the blonde preggo whose purse she just stole and is suprisingly gentle. Hey, guess what I would never have done if I were preggers and the woman who robbed me at gunpoint minutes earlier came back and found me? Get in her stolen cab! Seriously IS THIS A COMEDY? I’m not making a joke here, I just want to know.

Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia makes a suprisingly non-pottymouthed cameo as one of the “First Flight Gunslingers” as they will now be called, but is quickly defeated by Kate. The Asian Witchdoctor convinces Brass Balls to give Child Killer some kind of pill that only works “if he takes it willingly”. My bet is it’s poison. Back to Kate’s flee from justice- it looks like she’s going to be delivering a baby. Back to the island, Kate is now running away from the FFG and tracking Bad Blond into an abandonded suburb? Aren’t there more people on this island?

This is becoming the hardest part of the episode to get through- Act III or the final third.

Dr. “Goodspeed” is gonna give blondie some drugs to stop the delivery. He assures her that they won’t hurt the baby, but LISTEN UP LADIES! DRUGS HURT THE BABY. AMERICAN HOSPITALS ARE BAD PLACES TO GIVE BIRTH. They ususally insist that you have an Epidural or tranquilizer or something. You don’t want to birth your baby all dosed up on morphine, do you? I mean, it’d be cool to see your kid for the first time on mushrooms or something but not on hard drugs. Plus, I don’t know why increasing numbers of American kids are being diagnosed with Autism, do you? I mean seriously, folks… anyway, I’m no comedian. That pill from the witchdoctor, it was poison! See you next week!

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