Well, we’re introducing a new section for stupid things here at The Deadquarters. Obvs, it’s about LOST. We figured our buddy Seth Murray [Halcyon Bike Shop’s #1 dude and Natural Child’s geetarist] would do a good job at busting all the myths and solving all the riddles that LOST can cast on us because he’s a super smart guy and has real good intuition on these kinds of things. Seriously, I watched The Sixth Sense with him one time and we were no more than 5 minutes into the movie before he leaned over and said to me, “This movie’s going to suck.” He couldn’t have been more right. So here he is now, answering all your questions about LOST, in this it’s 6th and final season….. Oh, one more thing…. Seth’s never watched an episode of LOST before, and he has no prior knowledge of what’s happened on the show. Enjoy!

LOST…. seriously
“LA X [Pts. 1 & 2]”

Jesus Christ, this is the show everyone’s been watching for… season 6? Six years! Unbeleivable. There’s no plot. How do we even consider these idiots actors? they never have more than one line at a time? I’m not alone here, right? Lost… it’s certainly lost on me. One minute some people are wearing uniforms and digging someone out of a giant hole in the ground, the next minute we see them six years prior having some argument with someone they’ve never met who just so happens to be the psychic brother of one of the other characters on the island. Look, Kurt Vonnegut is one of my favorite authors, and I can appreciate a temporal shift or the mix of the real and the supernatural, but this is stupid. Lost ought to be ashamed of itself, geez.

Ok, so they seem to be carrying like a body or some kind of treasure or something on a stretcher (the fat guy inexplicably has a guitar) through a tomb that i’m pretty sure is left over set dressing from The Mummy, someone’s in there all bloody and he asks for Kate. Cut to commercial then a sort of meek looking lady is being led through an airport in plain sight, in handcuffs with only one dude there to escort her. No way. Then she picks the lock and beats the guy up. I’m laughing at this point, which maybe means I get it? Some asshole in an extremely long elevator ride for an airport makes small talk with this supposedly hardend criminal then the airport security. What a jerk this guy is. And let me guess, he’s on the island… Yep. Also, he expects some Asian guy to talk to a dead lady for him… Is this show supposed to be a subtle comedy?

Hey, why hasn’t anyone grown a beard in the six years they’ve been there? They all have five o’clock shadows, so I know they’re not shaving every day. Just wondering.

So some more stuff happens, then this lady says, “They were on the first plane with me, Oceanic 815” Get outta here. I stopped watching for about an hour at this point. I’m not sure I can really commit any more of my time to this. I asked Nashville’s Dead if they would sweeten the pot a little, maybe give me some cash or get me drunk. While waiting for a response I got drunk.

How did that guy know what that fukin paper said, he dint read it! lost it! HOwd that guy stay so fat? Lost it! where’s there food? LOST it! THese people are thick as a brick. Duh the water is like the holy water from the cup of christ in the last crusade, i can read a context clue but they’re all “you’re drowning him” after the water like heals dude’s cut hand. surely they’ve seen a bunch of mystic stuff by now, right? why would they bover. ohwait, he’s dead.

I can’twatch the rest of this crap. Was that Steve Bucemi? See ya in episode 2!

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